Lines have been running through my mind. I don’t know why I don’t use this more often. Those who know me know I’ve been going through a lot lately, and rather than disclosing every detail, I will just go.
So this past summer has been nuts. I was taking an intensive acting course, Meisner 1 in Berkeley and studying Chinese medicine in San Francisco simultaneously. I have never been so emotionally f*cked with ever in my whole entire life. I reached a really shitty dark place, though at the same time, somehow helped me shed a layer and remember more of my old self, like falling into another ego we once inhabited. That being said, I feel more child like and straightforward. I have a feeling my natural inclination is to be blunt. I like to think I channel those feels through modeling and writing. I hide behind an image and words,…sort of, I guess it’s all a matter of how you look at it. Which is probably why my acting teacher told me to practice being more direct. In ways I have not found my voice orally so I channel that in other communication avenues.
Though I hope to expand my relatedness through my voice. I’ve contemplated doing a blog talk radio or youtube. I started it and then I stopped. I dunno,…I think it’s kind of weird to look at yourself when talking. I have this urge to talk about health, this is why I started this website. And I know it’s been rather inconsistent, a parallel to my life, experiences is bringing forth a cleansing energy, revealing a renewed inspiration for Chinese Medicine.
I just thought,…it is so strange to share thoughts like this.
This year has been about soul searching and at the end of every new activity, I find myself turning back to Chinese Medicine. There’s comfort in that, knowing that maybe I am on the right track. Truthfully, considering the nature of certain industries, Chinese medicine or holistic healthcare is one of the most honest. There’s so much corruption that takes away,… say, from the beauty of art. I see myself as an artist and won’t stop exploring it, though my convictions lie in a place where my integrity is not questioned, and there’s center in that because compromise is not really something I’m interested in.
I think interests are worth pursuing to see if something really is fit for you or if you want to fit something into your life. As we are all of different paths, our responsibility is to discover our own truth, our direction that aligns mind, body, and spirit. It’s tough as there is SO MUCH out there, so it seems the challenge is weeding out the bullshit and finding the gem.
Happy Thursday Everybody. =)
I haven’t written in weeks. Weeks! I have my dry spells, times I want to hide, rather than share.
Truthfully it’s because I received this comment from this asshole who stalks models, photographers, and people in the entertainment industry and talks shit to them. And this particular asshole happened to comment on my “Saturn Returns” post. I give people the benefit of the doubt, but seriously I think this person gets off by spreading his hateration. And it got to me, which caused me to hide.
Though now, I realize, I don’t need to hide. I’ve hid for so many years. Behind my smile, behind my generosity, behind one side of me to convince people that I’m a certain way. But Fuck that because I’m tired of this pretend bullshit I see every day. No one is honest anymore. OK that’s not true, just an exaggeration I felt in that precise moment. Maybe starting acting class inspired me. Meisner is no calm walk in the park. It gets deep down to who you are and those layers are shedding to reveal truthfulness, what I’ve been searching for the last two years.
Truthfully, there are like 10 different sides to me. I’m fucking complicated and simple too because in each moment, one side tends to stand out more. I’m not really the same every day, and I think that is why I continuously research about topics such as meditation, medicine, spirituality to ground this ego. On the flip, I bask in the ego because from that awareness of this animal side, understanding has potential. It’s everything, it’s all inclusive, it’s passion and apathetic feeling, spirit and body, unity, wholeness.
Accept it all.
I couldn’t control what was written in that comment but I can control how I respond to it. Anytime you put yourself out there, you welcome opinion and judgment. Some will favor, some will disagree,…I think I just have to say “fuck it all” because I do this for me.
And if you like it, I’m glad. And if you don’t, you can be an asshole for all I care.
I’m about to write about this acupuncture appointment. It is one that has created a paradigm shift which means my neck is a little looser and not so wound. I am humbly acknowledging the blow to my ego.
All which have shown me why I am here, lessons I need to learn, perceptions I have based on my social and cultural conditioning. I apologize.
Who knew that acupuncture school would be a deprogramming, reprogramming, quick start booster to yo life!
Looking back, its as if some mystical magic force was telling me to get a treatment today. I have been thinking way too much.
Life has been really interesting lately, and it is apparent now, how excitement and struggle is a state of the mind, mindset.
Life is a beautiful struggle because you find beauty out of the struggle. Your new found wisdom is the reward.
So the diagnosis was a choppy right pulse and a wiry left post. Red tongue, thin yellow furr, and comments about my skin and Shen not looking so healthy.
My skin has been my number one indicator. I know whats best for it, but the discipline has not been there. I am so ready to recode that word or “that act of partaking” into something positive.
Dr. R told me “You have to change your attitude about life.”
And those words stuck especially coming from him.
In his inquiry he was very direct, and though I described it as rude, I realize that he has shown compassion with a dose of reality my way.
In a group observation, he asked the questions, and administered the most transforming treatment thus far. Because the truth is, acupuncture is able to help heal emotional wounds.
Truthfully right in this moment, I feel renewed.
For the past year and a half I’ve been attending American College of Traditional Chinese Medicine. The best thing about it is getting more in touch with my roots. It’s just so awesome to learn about the medicine, art, and training. It’s so fascinating to learn why Chinese Doctors in China were also very skilled martial artists, artists in calligraphy, Scholars, and deeply deeply spiritual people.
Calligraphy teaches attention to detail within the overall picture. There is wrist control and delicate embrace.
Martial Arts teaches awareness of physical body, mental discipline, and the grace of movement.
I just love how the medicine really branches out into different sectors, though unfortunately, many of these have been de-emphasized in modern Chinese Medicine Study programs.
Dr. R needled my left thumb in an unusual way. It felt as if the needles where going a different route, it was painful, but a pain I knew was good for me. The depth and positioning of the needling felt like a reprogramming of some sorts because at that moment, I began to weep. He asked me if it hurt, and I muttered “no” but began to cry more.
After 15 minutes, one of the students observing came back in to turn the needles which was interesting because I have just been learning about different ways to stimulate the points if conditions are in excess or deficient.
She helped me release more, and told me crying would get the qi to move more.
In retrospect, I’m unsure why this is, but interaction with other Chinese people and asian americans have created so many breakthroughs this year. It’s like the experiences are reflecting back to me how I perceive situations through these cultural, societal, and gender roles I play and how understanding them can help me release them.
My introspection gets the best of me. Dr. R says I think too much, which is true, but the student who came in remedied the comment by saying we are women. So is it a gender thing? Possibly. Maybe the levels of conscious thinking is analogous to women only having babies. Oh yes, I would give a day to experience not thinking so much, and being the same every day. But just one, because I welcome the challenge. To say women are more emotional,…might be a stereotype?
If women are more right brained and men are more left brain, then I would hypothesize that eons ago, the use of our respectable systems were predicated upon the environments that women and men inhabited.
Environment calls for adaptation and because our physical body environment differs, it interacts with the environment differently. This can extend from a biological to aesthetic adaption. And even though, we may be men inside woman or women inside man, and exist in other cultural narratives, our similarities share an ideological commonality-the Silverling.
I learned not to be bitter, but understand because we can’t blame anyone for who we or they are. Truthfully there are things I kind of resent about Chinese culture. And I know I shouldn’t have that attitude, but just understand and embrace it and be thankful.
This lesson applies to my life as well. Embrace all that is and have gratitude.
It’s late right now, but I am inspired to write. Sometimes the moment hits me, and I need to clear my head. I’ve realized, more so, analyzing the complexities within my nature that appear to be of opposing forces. Dualities that create the internal conflict and struggle. I wonder if remedy would come about by encompassing all that we are. Perhaps if we choose to explore each, will we find an answer?
There are things that I go back and forth on, things that will fulfill one side of me but also maybe a self deprecating endeavor. Why are all the choices we make so damn substantial?
The yin, the yang, the dark, the light, the body the soul. It’s up to us isn’t it? My friend mentioned to me today, “You can’t serve two masters.” Though in the balancing act of satisfying these complementary and opposing forces-seems to be just that. I admire the people who have stayed true to their altruistic nature, because in this world, it is mighty challenging.
Life is a balancing act, of figuring out what works and doesn’t at a soul level.
The essence of our being from the creation of our kind has gifted this living paradox. It is within all of us. Is it a test to live our highest spiritual purpose and/or to live our earthly happiness?
The interesting thing is that our satisfactions come from various things, thus the complexities of our culture and sub cultures.
And truthfully, I think in the overall picture, things will remain the same in its pattern and cycle, as one side is the catalyst to the other. Until the ever growing consciousness inspires us to follow the divine path that is, and we are able to prioritize altruism, and dissolve greed, power, and fear.
An idealistic thought of contemplation is at least a step though it may not change the world.
Essentially the duality of our nature complements the system, it’s a f*cking strong hold.
So, I try to enjoy life, laugh, a lot, help people how I can, and continue to explore and learn the frameworks of life’s constructs.
~Sabrina R. Lau
Santosha means to free the mind of the mundane emptiness, the trivial irritations of life that take too much of our spirit.
Santosha is hardship & struggle
It refines the soul and builds strength
Santosha in not having everything
Detachment from wanting is practiced
Santosha in having what we have
Gratitude in Santosha
~Sabrina R. Lau